I want to get married someday but I am scared I'll find the wrong woman and she'll cheat on me. I was talking to this guy who's wife cheated on him and he told me that it's unrealistic to think I will find a woman to marry who won't mess around/cheat on me at least once in our miarrage. He said women are just wired that way and if you want to keep a wife you just have to accept it. I have seen alot of mirrages ruined by a woman who cheated on the spouse. I also have had every girlfriend I have had cheat on me. So, this guy does have a good foundation for his claims. What's the percent chance that I could find a woman(decent looks, nothing wrong with her physically or mentally) that would not cheat in a marriage?

Let's reword your question: What's the percent chance that one could meet a man that would not cheat in a marriage?

Can you honestly answer this? I can't, nor can I answer yours.

You can greatly improve your odds, however, by only considering marrying women who have never cheated in their previous relationships (or if you are feeling extraordinarily generous, only cheated once and felt very bad about it afterwards). Naturally, you'd have to know a lot about the woman to know this, but you SHOULD know a lot before you get married.

I'm sure there are women who think that it's impossible to find a man that won't cheat in his marriage at least once because men are wired that way bla bla bla bla bla... Do you think it's true?

Each person is a world. Generalizations are bad.

I thought the purpose of marriages was to "chain" people who would otherwise cheat each other? I mean - ignoring money and tradition - why would a couple need a contract on paper if they could trust each other anyways? ;-)

Oh and - most low-level topic-title ever.

- Lyx

Great post, Lyx. I couldn't have said it any better.

darin: You're in luck that there very few female HA members, otherwise I think such an ignorant generalization would result in a storm of protest.

I am sorry to hear that you seemed to have such bad luck in your relationships, though (and I mean this).

If every woman you have been in a relationship has cheated on you, look at what has happened. The one thing in common to all the relationships is you. What do you think has to change???

The only thing he might have to change is the way he chooses women, other than that the women who cheated are to blame.

There is also the possibility that he is a lousy partner. Why does this never occur to guys? Women will not leave a good relationship. There are exceptions, yes. But generally, if they are treated right they are just like the other half of the population: the respond well. This is not rocket science!

I am a sex therapist and a sex educator... I talk to lots of people about their relationships. They are many (and I mean many) reasons people are not monogamous with one partner. It may be where and how you are meeting the women, your age (and their age), your maturity level (and their maturity level), the kind of relationship you think you are in, other life experiences, your religious values (and theirs), any substance abuse or misuse (you or them), and numerous other factors.

To answer your question, not all people "cheat."

I would need to know more information about you and your past relationships to figure out any sort of behavioral pattern. However, something like that is not appropriate for this board. I would strongly suggest you find a mental health counselor wherever you live and talk with them.

Hang in there, get some professional counseling, and don't give up hope.

Music always helps!

John

I find it disgusting to cheat on a partner, if you don't have a good relationship then it is better to be honest and break it than to cheat.

Cheat is lying and there is no excuse for it, even if he is a lousy partner.

Please understand that I not once condoned cheating; you assumed I did. I did not. All I said is that here were two people in the relationship and it cannot always be the other party's fault. If you think it is always the other party, you need help.

Cheating is awful. It is a lie. Relationships are built on loyalty and honesty. Without it they fail. But, there are two people in these relationships each time. Each person should accept their responsibility.

Counseling is an excellent option. But if one is sure it is the other's fault, it may not yield results for both parties.

"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

(Hey, it's OT, I'm allowed).

Funny, if you talk to women (and lots of men), they'll say *men* are 'wired that way ' too.

I find it remarkable, that with such a topic, not a single person made a comment which discredited loving more than one person itself - instead, the comments focussed on trust and promises.

- Lyx

If he has always been cheated on, then yes, it is the other party's fault. There are no excuses for cheating (even if he has the very personality that makes girls want to cheat on him), that's my whole point.

No. He must accept responsibuility for his life and his actions. Duh.

Do you ignore either?

For me, both have no place in the "base" of a relationship. The base shall be sympathy, trust and those undescribeable things which make that specific relationship unique - not some piece of paper, cash or a tradition. In that regard, i'm a purist.

- Lyx

Good point. Frankly, I don't think a strictly monogamous relationship is necessarily the most healthy thing. People desire variety in their sex life. So long as proper precautions are taken and there's little secrecy involved, I can't see why a relationship must remain monogamous. The point of marriage (IMO) is to raise functional children, and there is no reason why this precludes experimentation outside the marriage bed.

Now the trick is finding women who will put up with such a philosophy...

I was reading on Wikipedia the other day, and I came across a factoid that claimed the sexual dimorphism between male and female humans is such that a social group would be expected to consist of one male and three females, based on inference from other mammals and primates. I'm not sure of the veracity of such a claim, but it's definitely interesting, and could perhaps provide some scientific backing to a personal philosophy of polygamy or polyamory or such.

I think a question even more important than sex or the *intention* to love more than one person(thus, polyamory being the "means", not the "reason") - is the question:

"Are partners/relationships replaceable or are they unique?" - monogamy justifies itself by asuming the former - if the latter would be the case, then that would mean that there is no competition/concurrency involved. As a clue, just look at how humans handle friendships.

- Lyx