I especially like:
"If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud. "
"If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder "
"If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor."
"If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued. "
"If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting."